So often you hear things like, “If I only knew then, what I
know now...” Well, I know I would have made some different choices in my 20's
if I'd been privy to some of the tidbits of wisdom I've gained over the last 15
years or so, and, as I watch a generation of family entering that phase in
their life, I can't help but reflect on what I would tell myself when I was 'in
their shoes' so-to-speak. Well, a few things come to mind.
You can do anything! But not everything. That first
part they will tell you in high school motivational talks or career education
or whatever it is called these days, but that second part I had to learn for
myself. You know, being 20 is pretty great. You are grown-up enough to make
your own decisions, but, as a generalization, you are not yet responsible for
anyone else. Those two things set the stage for the very unique time in life
where you can dabble in lots of hobbies, be (personally and professionally)
whatever you would like to be, form relationships with all kinds of people, and
just generally spend time growing yourself outside of your childhood
parameters. From what I remember, that stuff is all pretty damn cool (is that a
word anymore?). I just wish I had enjoyed it more and known how quickly it
would all pass. I have no idea where I got the notion that I had 'all the time
in world' to dabble in all the unique opportunities of 20-somethings whilst
simultaneously getting my shit together, that I would eventually get to all
those things on my “bucket-list.” But, that is simply not the case. Priorities,
responsibility, age, dependents, and love will creep up on you one by one until
one day you realize, 'Hey, I don't think I will be backpacking through Europe
anytime soon.' or 'I'm not sure what happened to that grand idea of getting my
degree in social work. I just don't know how I'll ever find time now that I'm a
business-owner.' Having said that...
Invest in what you are doing, and forget about
what you're not. I spent a lot of my 20's with the following dialogue
running through my head...I need to get a better part-time job. I really
want to learn to kayak, but I can't find the time. So-and-so is already
making good money at X...I need to get my shit together like her. People say
you have to travel, but I can never seem to afford it. Will I ever find the
right guy for me? I've always wanted to do a road trip across country, but I
really need to save money...
And so on. Of course, this dialogue is completely understandable with the world
of choices at your fingertips, but, as I've said, you can't do everything so
don't beat yourself up for it. My advice
is to put your blinders on as to what everyone else is doing, make good choices
for yourself, and enjoy.
Break-ups are the worst. No, seriously, the worst. Just
as I've always thought it strange that our society expects life to go on as
normal in the first three grueling months of pregnancy so I also feel the same sentiment
applies to 20 somethings after a serious break-up. I’m not talking
about someone you met at the bar last week, and you will know the feeling if
you've been through it—the absolute burning devastation and loss that
accompanies the realization that ending your intimate relationship is the best
way forward, a way forward that is uncertain and SO difficult to see through
the blinding pain of break-up. Truly, there is nothing in this world quite like
choosing to end love or having that chosen for you. I don't have much in the
way of comforting words, just the hindsight to tell you that it gets better and
that I’ve never met a break-up that wasn’t for the best.
Transitions are hard, but worth it. Moving, new
schools, new jobs, losing friendships, forging new ones, changing
relationships, navigating your changing self through a changing world...All of
those things are difficult, and there is some element of loss every time you
close a chapter in your life, no doubt. For me, the most bittersweet pill I
have had to swallow as a thirty something is this—truly, in life you can never
go back, and, what’s more, the reason for that is you. Sure you can go and
visit places, you can hold loved ones dears, you can cling to ideals and
dreams, but you will never be the same. Luckily, I have found (and hope
you will too) that to be a good thing. A good look at who I am now, the places
I've been along the way, and the amazing people I have collected over the years
are all the proof I need to know that I wouldn't even go back if you let me. So
while there is an element of loss in leaving things behind, there is ALWAYS
something necessary and wonderful gained moving forward.
There are no happy endings, not because there is no
happy, but because there is no ending. There is plenty of 'happy', say, when
you meet the love of your life or get the keys for your first new house, or
maybe when find yourself in the job of your dreams or summit Everest if that's
your cup of tea. There was definitely 'happy' for me when I held a baby in my
arms for the first time, but, to date, none of those things have proven to be
any kind of 'ending.' I am still growing as a person, I know shockingly little
about how to raise little people, I've changed houses a few times and might do
again sometime, I'm still searching for that dream career, I have the man of
dreams but it is a relationship that requires work every single day. Don't fool
yourself into thinking any one relationship or goal or achievement will somehow
complete you or 'be your happy ending.' There is no ending, just a journey on
which I wish you plenty of 'happy'.
But especially...Don't take advice from 30-somethings.
Well, don't NOT take advice, but understand that you are not me. Also, you are
not and never will be your mother or your father or your brother or anyone else
that you loathe or look up to. Truly, you are own unique person living in your
own unique time. And though I have bothered to go on and create this exhaustive
list, I am under no delusions that the whole point isn't for you to go figure
this stuff all out on your own…As for the whole, 'if I'd only known then what I
know now' idea, well, I'm glad I didn't know because I wouldn't change this
journey for the world.
No comments:
Post a Comment