Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Dear well-intentioned relatives/friends/strangers--You are killing Christmas

A letter from Santa Claus

I'm not going to beat around the bush here...when you're a kid, Christmas is all about the presents. The tree, the food and the long-lost relatives are all background noise to that main event when they wake up on Christmas morning and, with the sleep dust still in their eyes, run out to find the shiny wrapped present I left for them. And I doubt I have to tell you that this Christmas moment is 'magic' at it's absolute finest. So this is why, with the utmost respect, I have to tell you gift-giving, treat-toting, Christmas-fanatic lunatics that YOU ARE KILLING CHRISTMAS.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, Mrs. Jones. On the last day of school before gluttony season, do they really need a brown paper bag overflowing with peanut-free chocolate bells and candy canes?

And don't pretend this doesn't apply to you, Auntie Dorothy-- You and your two months worth of pre-Christmas junk food and multiple tree-decorating parties. Do you know what makes decorating a tree special? Doing it ONCE A YEAR, not four times.

And YOU at the grocery store checkout, I don't even know your name, but NO THANKS to your bucket of crap plastic toys two weeks before the main event.

As for you Imposter-Santa at the office party, that remote control car you just gave little Johnny? Well, he's been asking for that since July, and I've taken a lot of care to find JUST the one he wanted, but I guess I'll go find a toothbrush and put that under the tree. Thanks for that.

And YOU, Eddie the Shit-elf (Shelf elf? Selfie-elfie? whatever), you're thinking, 'If Christmas is so magical, why not make the 24 days before it magical too?' Well, Eddie, what I'm seeing is that the 25% of people who can be bothered with your gimmick burn out that 'magic' 6 days into December, and the 75% of people who can't have kids wondering what they did that was so AWFUL that they don't have their own whimsical elf gallivanting around their house at night.

And yes, kindly neighbor, I did shovel your sidewalk that one time, but don't you think it's a bit OTT to buy the kids $90 lego sets? Just sayin.'

No, Grandma, you are not exempt, when you bring over their fifth advent calendar, a few Christmas treats (yay, more candy canes), just a few craft supplies, new Christmas pajamas, several stuffed reindeer AND 9 wrapped items, Santa is starting to get a little pissed off. You are stepping toes here.

ALL of you need to realize that your kindly gestures and shit-storm of Christmas crap make it such that when December 25 finally arrives, the kids are kinda done with it, and that 'magic' that might have been opening that ONE special gift from me (the one who, let's be honest, puts in the real grunt work ALL YEAR LONG) is lost or, at the very least, pretty blinking diluted. So, please, if you really MUST share your festive spirit with my kids, please do so with your time. Come on over and do a puzzle with them. Have a hot chocolate with us. I'm sure they'd love to come over to watch the Grinch while I drink some eggnog. As the old adage goes, less is more. Keep that in mind for dear old Santa Claus, would you?

Merry Christmas from the Big Guy

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